It’s been another couple of weeks since I checked in. Since my last post, things have been mixed. I found some good at-home workouts and have been putting more activity back into my schedule. I have been writing a little more with the blog, although there is still a lot of room for improvement there. My creative writing is still entirely stalled, and I need to just force myself out of this funk and just make myself write on schedule again. Stream has also not been going great, but I hope to begin to rectify that this week.
Largely I have been contemplating things in my life, again mixed. It is clear that I am still struggling with my depression and everything, so I am trying to give myself more wiggle room with what I perceive as failures. This is going a little better, although I have given myself another roadblock.
I have started to increase the amount of drinking I am doing, and this is not a road I want to keep going down. Now that I have spotted it, I want to fix it. I think the tedium of the current situation makes self-medication all the more tempting. However, those same circumstances make overdoing it and making unhealthy choices far more likely. I also have healthier alternatives for myself.
There’s also been a lot of thinking over choices I have made and the direction my life is going, and a glaring problem that I know has followed me for a long time. I have been obsessing over things from my past well beyond what could even be considered healthy. It’s something I acknowledged a few years ago, but I don’t think I have put in the proper amount of work to get over it. The truth is as long as I am obsessing over the past- the things done to me, the things I did to myself, the things I did to others, etc.- those obsessions will rule me, and there is no possible path forward. While not my sole focus, this needs to probably be my number one.
I will still go back to old therapy techniques I learned in the past, and it seems like a good time to bring some of that forward. Also, a good time to still consider looking into online therapy.
I say mixed because while both of these realizations aren’t great, the fact that I am having them, acknowledging them, and not letting it crush me, but actively seeking methods for dealing with them, is good for me. It is a massive improvement, in fact.
So until the next update. Write for the blog more, start creative writing again period, be better about streaming, keep up with my at-home activity, cut back (out) drinking, and work on my mental health focusing on letting things go. Kind of a heck of a list but one I feel I can manage.
I hope everyone is staying safe.
Also, since I have you here, I would be remiss if I did not mention the stark difference between infection rates between Native Americans and others in New Mexico and all over the southwest. Deb Haaland is a good person to check out on this issue. Navajo Times is covering it for most of the southwest. Every life impacted by this matters, but we need to be actively paying attention to which communities are being more affected than others and why. I don’t want to overwhelm or soapbox, but I urge people to look into which communities in your area maybe aren’t getting as much coverage, and any way you can help those communities.