After Ben left for his first shift at the hospital since the official state lockdown started (we had been doing our own self-isolation before), I sat down on our bed and just started crying. It happened so quickly and just rushed out. I completely panicked our dogs because it was no soft tears on the cheek, but loud sobs.
Before you worry too much, I am fine. But beyond fine, I am actually rather glad the dam burst.
I have been commenting here and there about my anxiety during all of this, and in truth, even those moments drive me crazy. I am well aware of how lucky I am. I know that I am blessed in many ways, and a lot of them are ways that aren’t fair.
In these times, even with the things that are stacked against me, I realize that Ben and I are much more blessed than others in rather similar situations.
I struggle with my desire, to be honest about my mental health struggles, and wanting to lock it in. I don’t want to seem ungrateful. I don’t want to pull focus from the much more important things happening. I don’t want to overstate my struggles. I don’t want to be negative and want to actually give people a little light.
But damn it all if it just doesn’t feel kind of shitty right now.
And it would be a lie to say that anything other than an unhealthy dose of denial, and a sprinkle more self-medication than is advisable, is the only thing that is keeping my anxiety in check.
Or at least the only thing that was.
I finally cried. I finally processed what my fears as a normal human being living in a frightening time were. And my fears as a ball of pure anxiety that is staring down a pretty massive trigger. (keep your snarky comments about that very useful word to yourself please)
I am worried about my husband working at a hospital. Not just for us but for every other person out there too. But yeah… selfishly for us. For me. For who I consider my partner in every single way.
And I think it’s okay to admit that. In fact, I think it’s healthier. Instead of bottling it up and having short but massive bursts of just absolute darkness and dread.
There is a better balance. I know that we are lucky in ways. I know that that may amount to nothing. I know that worrying won’t help me. I know that I can’t stop worrying. I know that I don’t want to be negative. But I also know that acknowledging fear doesn’t have to be only negative.
I am going to acknowledge the good and the bad of what is happening to me now. I am going to try to limit my exposing other people to my negativity because I don’t want to bring them down. But that does not mean I have to entirely suppress that part of me is just not okay… and won’t be. And that’s also okay.
I hope everyone is making sure to take care of themselves and not just suppress what they need to feel. This is not expert advice, only my own. Don’t dwell, don’t give in, but… if you need to have your version of my much-needed cry, and with all the standard warnings about safety and harm to others, then let yourself have that.
Be safe, and take care of yourself and yours.