Punishing Myself

So over the years, I have really struggled with my weight. It’s been a lot of things- the fact that I did not develop good habits when I was younger (if I could give one piece of advice it would be, start learning to work out and eat well before you have to). There was self-medicating with drinking, which never helps. Medicines for my mental health, which sometimes would have me shoot up, sometimes drop me down- any number of things. My weight has been all over the place for the better part of 10 years. I’ve gone up, gone down, gotten close to my ideal, gotten really overweight, etc. etc. etc.

Currently, I am sitting at much more overweight than I should be, I don’t mean this in any “fat-shaming” sort of way but rather how I feel about my health above how I feel about my looks. I am not healthy, and my weight is part of that. I am smaller than I was at my worst, even next to worse, etc.

The problem is every time the cycle of my weight has gotten towards the bigger end, I start to… punish myself, for lack of a better way to put it. I stop putting effort into how I look, I won’t buy myself clothing, I start to avoid other people, I separate myself a little from Ben. All manner of negative things.

I hate this.

It’s not healthy.

I need to stop doing it.

I do still plan on losing weight, and I have slowly been moving towards being healthier in general, could move faster, but that’s a different subject. But that’s not really the issue. The issue is I shouldn’t be miserable until I do.

This, like many things, is an area where I judge myself much more harshly than others. This is not a unique trait; many of us do this. I love to see bigger people proud of who they are and see their outfits and style, but I won’t let myself do that. If I am bigger, I should hide myself away and be ashamed.

Maybe it is because most of the women in my family are thin, no matter how little they try to be. Maybe it is that I was pretty thin most of my life until I got on my first anti-depressants. Maybe it is general insecurity and self-loathing.

It doesn’t really matter what it is, it needs to stop.

Being bigger is not something I need to punish myself for, and what’s more, it makes it harder for me to be motivated to do something about it. When the way I look is something I am constantly tearing myself down for, it makes me feel bad. When I feel bad, my depression can sometimes spike. When my depression spikes, I for sure am not doing the things needed to be healthier. Even without the depression spike, it’s just a miserable way to live life, hating part of yourself so much that it almost becomes a punishment.

I don’t deserve that, and it won’t help me.

I want to work more on feeling good about myself. Taking the time to feel pretty (yes, that can be great for the self-esteem), not feeling like I have to hide from others, and not accepting the judgment of others.

Not only do I think all this “punishment” makes getting healthier an uphill battle, but it also just perpetuates emotional negativity. Getting healthier physically means nothing without also being healthier emotionally and mentally.

It is something I want to work on. Loving myself not because I am at the bodyweight I want to be or this or that. No, loving myself as am I because I deserve it right now. Not when I lose weight, not when I am more successful, not when I am whatever. Right now.

Because the problem is I always find something to “punish” myself over, weight it just the latest thing. I need to break this cycle, and acknowledging it is the first step.

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