So Thanksgiving is all about… well, a lot of things we won’t get into but also about getting together with family. Sitting down, overeating, possibly watching football, and having family conversations that range in degrees of awkwardness. So I thought I would take some time and write about a few of the great horror families that we’re pretty lucky we don’t have to celebrate Thanksgiving with.
Sawyer Family (Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
The first movie even includes an iconic dinner scene, so of course, it had to be on the list. The odds are if you stop by this family’s home, you won’t be eating Thanksgiving dinner with them, but actually, be Thanksgiving dinner. Of course, if you do get to sit down for a meal, it will be terrifying and then still end with them attempting to serve you up. So just don’t stop by any creepy old houses in small-town Texas to be safe.
And while we are here shout out to The Odets from Wrong Turn, The Jupiter Clan from Hills Have Eyes, and all of the other cannibalistic horror families we’ve been treated to throughout the years.
Stone Family (The Loved Ones)
So the good news is a lot of people wouldn’t actually have to spend time with the Stone Family. As long as they aren’t a teenage boy for “Princess” or middle-aged woman for “Daddy” you can avoid being the toy for these two. Sadly if they do take a liking to you, you can expect a night of torture to end with a lobotomy and then eventually being locked in a dark room to spend the rest of your life eating what they toss you and your fellow prisoners. Of course, the cherry on top is as you are enduring this, you get to watch them attempt to avoid their incestuous lust for one another. Awesome.
Firefly Family (House of 1000 Corpses, etc.)
Well, it seems like running into this family is a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Throughout House of 1000 Corpses and Devil’s Rejects, most of their victims are random. Even in 3 From Hell, there are a few randoms that cross their path and meet their horrific fate. As you would expect of killers in a Rob Zombie flick, the various members of this clan/family do many brutal things to their victims, and it would be best to avoid them at all costs.
Myers Family (Mixed Canon 2018)
So there are a few different canons with the Halloween series, but assume we are talking about any version where Michael is related to Laurie. The truth is whether you are just invited over for dinner and get a look at the messed up Zombie version of Michael’s childhood. Or decide to hang out with Jamie’s family and put yourself in the line of fire. It doesn’t matter when or how there is always likely to be something bad that happens to you if you hang out with the Myers family.
The Mantle’s (Dead Ringers)
As long as you don’t try to get in between these obsessive brothers’ relationship, then your Thanksgiving dinner with them will be less dangerous and more just extremely uncomfortable. Their relationship is difficult to describe, especially later in the film, when they seem to lose all ability to separate themselves from each other. If you do try to get between them, especially if you are a woman… RUN.
The Robeson Family (People Under the Stairs)
If you are at the Robeson home, you very likely won’t be at the dinner table but literally living under the stairs. Once you are in the home, you will have a hell of a time getting out and will most likely join the fate of so many others. Locked under the stairs, losing your damn mind, and killed if you get even within reach of escaping. You can meet a few friendlies in the home, but it’s really not worth the risk.
The Burnsides (The Clovehitch Killer)
There is a good chance that if you sit down with The Burnsides, nothing bad will actually happen to you, as Don likes to pick his victims from a bit further away than those that would interact with his family. They are still a pretty uncomfortable family unit with extreme religious beliefs that seem to cover up that everyone (not just Don) has a secret. If Don does take a liking to you, well, he’s a serial killer, so good luck.
These are a few of the many many families that one ought to avoid this Thanksgiving, and well anytime, really. Who are some of your favorite killer families from horror movies?