So a few weeks ago, as I mentioned, I was pretty bad. I started getting better and went into a “fake it until you make it” mode. Now I am doing much better, and I have been trying to get the most out of it. Low anxiety days are not entirely uncommon for me, but rare enough that it makes a huge difference, especially coming off of a low like I had been.
I try to soak those days up, especially when I get several in a row. It is a bit disappointing that I was not streaming during this time, for many reasons, but otherwise, it’s been a little bit of a treat. Ben and I have gone to see a couple of movies. We got out of the house and finally spent some of my birthday money on much-needed things. I’ve been going to the store more and having an easier time with it, instead of just sending Ben out and doing the cooking.
It’s nice to be able to leave the house and not feel like I have a timer over my head that is set to some unknown time and when it goes off I will be done and unable to handle being around strangers and out of my home. It’s been nice to spend time with Ben without a dark cloud following me that at any moment, could ruin it.
Honestly, it reminds me of what I am striving for with getting my mental health more under control and in check. I want more days like this, and I want to do more with them.
I want to spend that time seeing my friends more or really at all at this point. I want to be able to get out of my house more often and not worry about what small thing will hit me just so and set me off. I want to actively partake in life more instead of putting a toe in the water and then waiting for me to feel like it’s all too much to handle.
The sad truth is that while I will never completely get over my anxiety and I will always have times where I can’t be around others without having a panic attack (or getting ill or however else it manifests) I can do more and be better so that low anxiety times are more common.
Still, it’s been a lot of fun. I sometimes forget how good feeling good can be. I forget how nice it is to smile and laugh freely. I forget how much fun my husband and I can have. I forget what it’s like to just enjoy things.
It’s been a good few days for me, and I want to use this momentum to charge forward and hopefully keep doing well. I want to have them as a reminder when my low points hit that it’s not impossible to feel better. I want to find encouragement in them.
I want a lot more low anxiety days.