As you may or may not know I hit a major depression storm not too long ago. It started off slowly but then kicked off to a fairly terrible point. It’s not the worst I have ever gotten, but it was nearing it. I was finally able to crawl myself out of that hole just enough to start to make some changes and hope to get my life back on track. I dropped some things that were stressing me, made some choices related to lifestyle, started looking for further help I could get.
I am slowly starting to get back on track, but it can be a real grind. One of the hardest parts is that I don’t actually feel good. I feel better yes, even okay, but not good. I feel stuck somewhere just outside of being in a place where I can motivate myself more easily and feel better about what is happening in my life, but until I reach that place, it’s hard for me to dive back in with any sort of enthusiasm.
Still, I know I must, or I will just fall back to where I was.
It’s a difficult sort of limbo though.
It’s hard to feel motivated to write, and everything I do write seems awful. It’s hard to consume media to write impressions because I am not enjoying anything. It’s hard to stream because with my attitude being so low it is not the right way to stream. It’s hard to find joy in the things I normally like to do because everything feels so “blah.” There are moments, little flashes, where I can tell I am getting better and feel so close to getting back to some sense of normal, but they are brief and surrounded by a haze that is hard to shake.
It’s hard to know that I must start doing the things that are part of my routine again but honestly feeling like I can’t, or at least can’t do them right.
It makes it easier for me to wonder “what’s the point,” but that is a dangerous road to go down.
Still, there is nothing to do but slowly take the steps I need to take to get to the place I need to get. I hope it doesn’t take too long; I am not sure I can stay in this void without simply slipping back.
I suppose this post is a little self-indulgent and slightly meaningless. It is something that has been weighing on my mind and coupled with my inability to sleep it just needed to come out. Maybe now that I have written the words and acknowledged the problem, it will help.
Either way, each day I will add a bit more back to my plate until I am fully back on my normal routine and hope that I cross that bridge from life being nothing but a struggle to something I can actually tackle, even enjoy.