My Twitch career has been tumultuous at best. It has been plagued by my mental health issues, my own laziness, switching my name, my inability to keep a schedule, and a million other things. To be honest, right now it’s currently plagued by my feeling I should just give up. It has been years since I was consistent and good enough at it, and I wonder if I will ever get it back. If I will ever rise above all my bullshit and make it happen.

I don’t plan on giving up.

It’s just how I feel right now.

I am so angry with myself about how much time I have wasted in my life. Every day I think about it, dwell on it, feel defeated by it. I talked a lot about coming up on 30 and just feeling too old for anything, and I am still stuck here. Every day I waste being miserable over how much time I’ve wasted in my life becomes another day wasted and adding to the cycle.

I start to get ready to stream or write and I just feel… defeated.

I know it’s going to take awhile, that I can’t go from 0 to 60 in a flash. But right now I feel like I can’t even go from 0 to 5. I hate it.

I don’t know what the future holds for me with Twitch and my writing. I just know that right now I am struggling.