What Needs to Change is Me

Followers of my stream know that I have had a bit of a journey. I started to stream for a website I was writing for, then took a break, then changed my account, then came back, all the while being super inconsistent over the years.

There was a time when I felt stream was going pretty ok for me. Slower than I would have liked but a solid enough period of time that I could have worked from. The problem is I let everything else going on around me get me out of that flow, and I’ve never gotten back on it.

Since coming back to the LolliZombi account I’ve been struggling. Struggling emotionally, mentally, and just overall. I can’t seem to find my footing and it shows, and my stream is all but dead because of it.

I keep thinking of plans to counter this. Ideas to tackle this. The reality is what needs to change is me.

Changing my schedule, the games I play, what I focus on, none of that matters if I don’t change me and my attitude about streaming.

That is not to say that I might not revisit my schedule and the games I play, only that it doesn’t need to be my focus right now. My focus needs to be me.

I need to start streaming consistently, I need to remember why I enjoyed streaming so much in the first place, and even if it means that I need to ignore my viewer count I need to pick games I enjoy. It has been many years but I once wrote about needing to find the fun again, and that remains true. Beyond the fun, I need to find my motivation again. When I am driven I will push hard, when I am not I am the worst. It’s an extreme problem of mine, I have no middle ground, and it’s not something I am proud of.

I love streaming, I want to do better at it. I want to succeed with it to at least some degree, that will only happen if I fix what needs to be fixed with me. If I give it my all if I get back to where I was years ago and then improve from there.

Again, I am not counting out that changing my schedule and/or games might help, just that I need to fix me first, or at the very least in addition too. I wish to do better. I want to do better for the friends I made (those I’ve fallen out of touch with and those I haven’t). I want to do better for those that have stood by me through all the highs and lows. I want to do better for Ben who believes in me and supports me at every turn. I want to do better for myself.

The problem is me.

The problem has been identified, and now it is on me to do something about it.

The problem cannot be ignored anymore.

The problem is me.

I can and will do better.

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