It’s been a bit since I have done a personal blog. I’ve been struggling considerably when it comes to staying focused on my goals. It’s not an issue of being stuck in a cloud of depression, no this is something different, and somehow worse. I am feeling a complete lack of drive, motivation, desire, focus, all the things needed to make a person do what is it is they want/need to do.
I sit down to write and just feel completely lost and disconnected. I try to stream and can’t tap into any sort of desire or personality. Beyond even “work” related stuff it’s everything. There is nothing I want to read, nothing I want to watch, nothing I want to play, no one I want to interact with. I am just so shut off from… what makes me human almost.
I am trying. I am trying not to get trapped and caught up in this mind frame, but it’s hard.
I don’t know what I need, but I need something.
There will be moments when I am snapping out of it. When I find something, and it sparks a bit of light in me. Those moments are making it so glaringly obvious how disconnected I am the rest of the time.
I hate feeling like this. I want to be trying harder; I don’t want my mind to drift so much, I don’t want to feel so bored and trapped, I don’t want to be so… blah.
Yet, it’s a challenge. I haven’t been writing personal posts because I have nothing to say. Nothing to express that is personal. I manage to write a few hundred words most days, but my best was a few thousand, and that’s where I want to be. I manage to get a few streams done, but I have been off schedule for so long.
At this point I am just trying to force it, to snap myself back into it. I started this without any direction or place to go. I know it’s hardly the best blog post that is going to come out of me, but I just wanted to make myself do it. Make myself write something personal. Make myself focus on it.
I don’t want to have to force it though. I want my drive back; I want my motivation back, I want… my desire back. I want to write until I have to stop myself. I want to sit down and keep making blog posts until I have a backlog because I have so much to share. I want to find pleasure in my hobbies and enjoyment in the things I love.
I guess this is depression hangover. The dark cloud has been lifted, but now I am surviving in a fog. I don’t know… I just know it has to change.
I know that worrying about it won’t help, but it’s hard not to. But until it does change I will keep doing everything that I feel that I can. Everything in my power. I will crawl my way out of it, and I will do better and do more.