I’ve written before about my various struggles with writing. Obsessing over word count, coming back to writing after extended breaks, my inability to finish things, using drinking as my writing crutch. All of these are things I struggle with and still weigh on me even now. I’ve had a bad few years, I don’t want to go into all of it (it will depress me and seem more than a little self-pitying), but I am trying to pull myself out. Reach the other side.
Part of this, arguably the most critical part, is getting back into my writing flow. I have recently started a goal book, and in it is many goals on my writing. Goals on how many projects to finish and get out there, and goals dealing with daily word count. Goals pertaining to this blog and writing as well.
It is a challenge to get back into the flow of it. I’ve recently made a choice to majorly cut back on drinking for a while (for health reasons both mental and physical), but it’s hard to deny that drinking has become part of my writing routine. I am trying to find a replacement to help me relax and put myself in “work mode” as it were. I’ve also haven’t been working my writing muscles. Taking extended breaks from writing makes it very hard to come back to it. It’s much like if you stop being physical for a long time then start working out. While it’s more metaphorical, it is painful, a challenge, and you feel more fatigued and less motivated because you realize how far you’ve allowed yourself to fall.
I have projects that were near completion that sat for so long I don’t even know how to get myself back to them. I have projects that I want to start, but I feel like I need to get more comfortable with writing first.
It’s just been a struggle.
I want to take off, I want to start sprinting again, but I simply know that will not happen.
I have to slowly build my word count back up. I am going to have to do fully new drafts on projects that sat for so long. I am going to need to make more drafts of new projects because my rough drafts are even rougher. I am going to have to get back into the flow of things, and it’s not going to be easy.
It’s hard for me not to be discouraged. I feel like where I was years ago, and that I shouldn’t be back in this place. It’s hard not to dwell on where I might have been if I hadn’t let myself fall so far for so long. It’s hard for me not to feel like I am too old, and it’s too late.
None of this helps me. It only makes me obsess, makes me want to make bad choices, makes me want to give up.
I have started a project, and right now my main focus is completing the first draft of it. I am slowly building back up my expected word count and am not worrying at all how bad this draft is. I need to just make myself zero in on it, complete it, and use it as my stepping stone to get back to better things. I hope by using this month to do that, next month and the following I can start to expand my challenges and get not only back to where I was at my best but even better.
I am also hoping that doing this will help to encourage me. Help remind me what I can accomplish when I focus and show me that accomplishing more is not some unattainable goal.
So I am working, pushing forward, and trying to get my flow back.