As many of you likely noticed these last few months were not my best. There were various issues that really stood in the way of me being my best self. My depression was a lot worse than it had been for awhile. I was very angry at myself and at the world. I was not controlling my drinking and other forms of self-medication. On top of my internal battles, there have also been a few external ones as well. We had various things go wrong that added the stress of money to our already tight budget. We moved, which is mostly good, but it came with a whole slew of issues. I don’t highlight this to throw myself a pity party, simply to acknowledge that I have been off my right path not just for a matter of weeks but rather months.
I recently took a trip to see my family, and it was a good chance for me to unwind. I got to rest, I got to be with people I love, I got to just relax and have fun. I got away from myself and my space. Now I am back though. We had a few hiccups when we came home, but it’s time to get into the flow of things. Time to re-tackle the goals I have set for myself and move beyond them.
Knowing this and being able to do it is a bit challenging, however. There are a few major points of focus in my life that I need to get back on course, and it’s not going to be easy to do so.
Working Out: Eating better is not as hard for me to get back on track with. I am like all people I enjoy my crappy foods and crave them, but overall I am actually starting to enjoy cooking, planning meals, and eating better. Being more active, specifically where it comes to working out is a struggle. When you are unhealthy it’s a lot easier to stay that way. Working out can be a struggle for me. I can push hard and feel like I’ve hardly gotten anything done. I don’t think I need to explain how it’s harder to be active when you haven’t for awhile, just point out this is where I am at. I am going to have to not get down on myself, and keep pushing through it.
Twitch: I have been so horribly inconsistent with Twitch for so long now. Longer than even this rough patch. My best times with Twitch were obviously the result of my being more active with it, and that’s been out the window for a long time. I truly love streaming and want to give a real go. All I can say is I allow outside forces to negatively impact my energy when streaming and my desire to even do it. I have worked out a schedule I feel I can stick to and succeed at, and I am just going to get back to the grind like I once did.
The tech issues I have had lately have been monumentally discouraging. In fact, when I had to quit early on Tuesday I simply cried for awhile afterward, feeling completely defeated. Still, I need to get back up, shake it off, and just stick with it. Stick to my schedule, keep my energy up, and remember the reasons I used to love streaming so much and get back to that.
Writing: This is the most important one. I have not written, truly written, in far too long. I have a novel that has been on the edge of completion for roughly a year now that I have not pulled the trigger on finishing. I have other major projects that I have started or outlined, that are just sitting. When it comes to the subject of me and my writing “career” I feel nothing but disappointment in myself at the moment. I am angry and broken, and I have to do better.
The problem is because I have taken such a long break it is so hard to get back into it. I feel like my ability has grown rusty and that it will take me some time to get back to a stage where I can be proud of what I am producing. I saw a quote (which I can’t remember exactly) that basically compared not writing to not using your muscles. Much like with working out it’s honestly painful to get back into it.
In spite of this, I am home, I am refreshed, I am feeling better with my depression, my other disorders, and the anger that has come from them. I am trying to stop focusing on what I haven’t done and start focusing on what I can. It’s time to get back into the flow of a productive life.