Many months ago I published a blog post about wanting to be more positive. I wanted to stop assuming the worst about people. I wanted to respond to people with a more positive attitude (even when they were being the worst). I wanted to respond with understanding and education instead of judgment and anger. Something I didn’t include in the post, but was part of it, was the fact that I wanted to stop focusing on the negatives with those in my life. Or if I couldn’t then cutting people out. The one thing I never thought about, wrote about, talked about, was the negativity when it comes to myself.
I am a toxic toxic human being when it comes to myself. I hate to use disease as a metaphor, but truly how I see myself is an illness. It may not seem like it but it’s not simply low self esteem, I hate myself and the things I do.
So why am I surprised that I have not moved in so many years? Why am I surprised that my anxiety and manic depressive disorder are winning? Why am I surprised that I fall into such dark holes?
Of course it’s hard to stream. Of course it’s hard to focus on my writing. Of course it’s hard to fix my problems. If every single day I tell myself that I did not do enough, that I did not try enough, that I did nothing good, why on Earth would I try?
I don’t mean this post to be a pity party, simply a bit of self awareness. I have talked about being more healthy, about making goals and lists, about being more positive in the way I interact with the world, about trying harder, but I have never in my life talked about simply being more positive to myself.
That is not to say I have never rewarded myself or complimented myself. Of course I have. On days when my streams get higher views or followers I do say “this was a better stream day”. On days when I write more or edit more I do talk about it. Yet at the end of the day there is always a but… I never simply allow myself to feel like I have accomplished even a little.
After a week of avoiding the world because of my depression I streamed, I wrote a little, I edited a bit. It was not my best day, but it was anything other than laying in bed and reading. Yet I punished myself and texted Ben to say how terrible I was. I lack motivation and strength to try? I wonder why. I am working on a writing project that I care about, am passionate about, and love. Yet I still feel the need to remind myself it’s popcorn and probably won’t matter years down the road. I am struggling to finish this why?
For all my talk of self improvement, for all my desire to be better, I’ve just simply never considered the possibility that I need to give myself a pat on the head every once in awhile. It’s okay to slowly get back into the swing of things. Having a bad night in streaming doesn’t mean I am bad. Struggling with my writing isn’t proof that I am a bad writer. Failing to contact my friends as much as I want to doesn’t mean I should cut them off because they are clearly better off. Stumbling does not mean failing, and failing does not mean I can’t later do better.
The truth is my problems will always be there. I will always flow between manic and depressive. My depressive spells can take extremely dark turns easily. Some days I will throw up, have a panic attack, fall apart, or all the above, at the mere thought of leaving my house. I will be restless, listless, angry, depressed, crazy. I can still be okay, I can still do good, I still have done good, there is still some way better to respond than my own self defeat.
“No shit Megan,” you might be saying… This is a real and true epiphany for me. Even as I write it I don’t fully believe or trust in it, but it’s such a huge step. If I am going to shape myself into a more positive and better being that must include my own way of looking at myself.
This doesn’t of course mean not trying to improve myself, or resting on my laurels. It does however mean every once in awhile I can give myself a break. It does mean I can hate myself a little less.
My anger and constant demands that I do more more more, better better better all the time are self defeating. No wonder I’m so tired. No wonder I’ve given up. I will attempt to stop self defeat.